


Werewolf Jesus

by Bunnywest



Series: Rabbit verse [21]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:19:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunnywest/pseuds/Bunnywest
Summary: ”Nice bible, Todd” Stiles says casually. “Read any of it yourself by chance? There are werewolves in there, you know.”“There most certainly are not!” the date (Emma?Ella?) pipes up.Peter joins the conversation then, throwing in a casual “Oh please, everybody knows that Jesus was a werewolf.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Olor_et_Luna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olor_et_Luna/gifts).



> A gift fic for Olor_et_Luna for guessing that my sister slammed her brothers fingers in the door, and then blamed hm for not moving quicker.  
> I present for your viewing pleasure. Werewolf Jesus.  
> And for your additional viewing pleasure, a song by the marvelous Tim Minchin, entitled Woody Allen Zombie Jesus. I post this song to my facebook every Easter just to upset my very religious friends - works a treat. i say it's good for them to have their beliefs challenged.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V41R1p9hjNg

Uncle Todd starts it.

It’s Easter, and he’s come over for one of his thrice yearly family visits, even though the younger Forrests all roll their eyes at having to behave while he’s there.

The younger Forrests, and the older Stilinski-Hales.

“He’s my brother and you will not upset him, he’s family’ Ami tells Peter and Stiles firmly.

They grudgingly agree not to deliberately upset Todd.

It had taken some time for Todd to adjust to his sister being part of a wolf pack, but he can see she’s happy, and he has to concede that maybe all werewolves aren’t the untrustworthy murderous souls he’d been taught they were. And he does quite like seeing his nieces and nephews.

He’s still a dick, though.

Which is why,  when he comes over to visit for Easter, bringing his new girlfriend with him, he thinks it’s a good idea to bring a bible for the children.

The church had struggled with the revelation of the existence of werewolves. They didn’t fit their theology, so they’d followed a centuries old tradition of first reviling, and then ignoring things that didn’t suit them. So the relationship between church and wolf is shaky, at best.

The new girlfriend is very, very Christian, and Todd likes her a lot, so he’s keen to show her what a good influence he is on his family. He has to do something to make up for the fact that his sister is part of a pack where the Alpha is openly gay, after all.

That, and the fact that when they walk in the door they’re greeted with a chorus of “ _Happy Zombie Jesus Day_! ” from his sister and her family.

His girlfriend looks slightly scandalized at the greeting, so he hurries to give his present to Bill, who he judges to be slightly more likely to act civilly than his spitfire of a sister.

Unfortunately for him, Ami and Will’s kids have grown up drowning in books. From Harry Potter to Terry Pratchett to Neil Gaiman, they’re been thoroughly immersed in folklore, fantasy and mythology since they were old enough to pick words off a page. It’s what Stiles specializes in, after all.

Nobody told Baby Bill that anyone actually took this stuff seriously.

So when Todd hands over the bible, he doesn’t expect the reaction ten year old Bill gives him upon flicking through the pages. “Oh hey, thanks Uncle Todd, a new book of stories! Uncle S, do we have this one?”

Todd sputters and protests ‘These aren’t stories! It’s the true word of God! It’s time somebody exposed you kids to the gospel so you can be saved!”

Bill looks at him skeptically. “I’m going to ask Uncle S, he’ll know. He has a _degree_ in stories” he declares.

Stiles drags himself away from where they’re all watching the Life of Brian, as is their Easter tradition.

It’s not like he can’t quote the whole film anyway.

He doesn’t like Todd, he’s never quite forgiven him for his behavior when they first met. And he knows Todd’s still slightly afraid of him, and uses it to his advantage, because he can.

”Nice bible, Todd” he says casually.

“Read any of it yourself by chance? There are werewolves in there, you know” he adds, just to get a rise out of him.

“There most certainly are not!” the date (Emma?Ella?) pipes up.

Peter joins the conversation then, throwing in a casual “Oh please, everybody knows that Jesus was a werewolf.”

Stiles’ head whips around at that, and he stares at his mate. And the beautiful, beautiful thing about their relationship is that he knows where Peters’ going with this after a second’s silent communication, and he picks it up and runs with it.

“Totally was.” he says.  “It’s a known fact that there was a large werewolf population at that time in the Middle East. Herod didn’t have the babies killed because of a messiah; it was because he’d heard there was a True Alpha.”

Peter adds ‘Born in a stable – classic traditional wolf delivery right there.”

“How did a wolf turn water into wine?” challenges Todd, after standing in stunned silence for a moment.

‘Wolfsbane into water” Peter shoots back. “Parlor trick, one I’ve used myself”.

‘Jesus healed the sick” declares Emma/Ella.

‘Rabbit, can you come here for a second?” Peter asks Stiles.

Stiles walks over and Peter punches him hard in the face.

“Ow, fuck!” Stiles exclaims, as a large bruise blooms around his eye.

Peter lays a hand on the mark and the black lines run up his arm, and Stiles gasps, saying “It’s a miracle, my pain’s gone!”

Of course, his eye is nearly healed by now as well, but he still shoots Peter a look that says _You’ll pay for that, later._

He takes the reins of the conversation then, ticking off on his claws, which he’s slid out just to make Todd squirm.

“ Forty days in the desert – getting control of his wolf”

“Came back to life after three days – Werewolf healing right there”

“Bible says he was transfigured” – at this he shifts, bares his fangs, and shifts back,  before continuing “Doesn’t say how, exactly”

“Twelve disciples – that’s a pack if ever I saw one”

“Although there are rumors that Judas was the first hunter” Peter adds.

“Able to move a boulder from in front of the cave they buried him in - Wolf strength”

‘Sits on a mountain top and tells people to do things, and they follow without question? Gotta be a True Alpha”.

“And don’t forget the impressive beard – definitely a wolf trait” Peter slips in there.

Emma/Ella is openmouthed in shock.

Will, quiet, unflappable Will, has pressed his face against Ami’s shoulder and is snorting with laughter into it.

Todd is furious.

Bill and Sophi are fascinated. “Wow” Bill breathes out. “Jesus was a _werewolf_!”

He turns to Peter then, and asks “So if Jesus was one, and he didn’t have to wait till he was old enough-“

“Twenty one” Peter replies, without even waiting for the rest of the question. Bill’s persistent, he’ll give him that.

Todd’s not done.

‘Well why didn’t he just get off the cross then?”

“Mountain Ash” Peter replies, as calm as anything.

Will’s still snorting, and Ami’s started giggling now.

Todd shoots his sister a betrayed look. His girlfriend though, who’s never met an actual werewolf that she knows of before today, and is blissfully unaware that she's stumbled into a pack of trolls, looks thoughtful.

“You might actually have a point, you know” she says. “I’m going to discuss it with my pastor.”

Stiles grins madly.

They’ve made it all up on the spot, but she believes them. It’s fantastic.

And Peter imagines exactly how that conversation will go, and he smiles widely and encourages her, saying “that’s a wonderful idea, Ella”.

And he goes back to watching the film. It’s the good bit at the end, and they all sing along with the familiar lyrics, including the twins.

It warms Stiles’ heart to see his six year old nephews happily belting out “always look on the briiiight side of life”. He’s taught them to whistle, especially for this.

He sighs happily.

He loves Zombie Werewolf Jesus Day.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody expected it to go any further.  
> But it turns out that Bill’s a walking, talking example of confirmation bias.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help it, OK?

As Peter and Stiles lay curled around each other in bed that night, with Stiles lazily tracing his hand up and down Peter’s chest, he snickers.

“Werewolf Jesus. Honestly Peter, where do you come up with this shit?”

Peter chuckles as well, saying “To be fair, rabbit, you came up with as much of it as I did. It’s not my fault that Todd and whatsherface are so gullible.”

“Dumb as dirt, the pair of them” Stiles agrees.

“Did make for an interesting Easter, at least“ Peter muses.

“I thought Todd was going to burst a blood vessel” Stiles snickers.

And they drift into sleep, and don’t think any more about it.

It was just a joke, after all.

 

* * *

 

Nobody expected it to go any further.

But it turns out that Bill’s a walking, talking example of confirmation bias.

He’s actually started reading the bible, looking for further evidence of wolf-like traits.

Everything he finds just cements his belief in our divine Lord and Alpha.

“Uncle Stiles, it says Jesus spent time with the lepers. That proves he was a wolf, because he didn’t get sick.”

“Uncle Peter, I bet Jesus healed all those people just by giving them the bite”.

“When he raged in the temple, it was just the full moon.”

“See where it says he drove out demons? That must have been him using his Alpha voice.”

 

And Bill, well he’s actually a pretty popular little kid, and the other kids listen when he tells them things. So when he goes to school after Easter proclaiming that Jesus was a werewolf, they accept it at face value.

He’s so excited by all his new discoveries, they don’t have the heart to spoil his fun, even when Stiles gets a visit from Mandy James.

“Stiles, why do my children now think Jesus was a werewolf?”

Stiles sighs. “Sorry Mandy, Bill’s got a bee in his bonnet. I’ll get him to stop”.

Her lips quirk up in a smile.

“Oh, please don’t - it’s the funniest damned thing I’ve heard in years. I’m sending them to Sunday school with their cousins next week so they can share their theory.”

Stiles laughs, accepts his weekly basket of baked goods, and goes to tell Peter about it.

\--------------------------------------------------

Bill continues to read, and to join dots that truly were never meant to be joined.

“I think I figured out how Jesus fed all those people” he tells Peter seriously.

Peter nods, and waits to see what the explanation is.

“So, five thousand people are a lot, sure, but I don’t think it was really that many. It was probably like, fifty or something, but they _said_ five thousand, the same way Mom says I told you a million times, when it’s only been four or five.”

“That’s good logic Baby Bill, go on” Peter tells him, intrigued to see where this is going.

“So, the pack has twelve wolves, right? And they all have moms. _Jewish Moms,_ Uncle Peter. I mean, I know werewolf moms cook a lot of extras, so how much extra do you think _Jewish_ werewolf moms would make? I think there was probably forty people, and those twelve guys had lunch packed by their moms and so there was plenty to go around.”

He nods, satisfied with this explanation.

Peter’s face is completely unreadable as he agrees that yes, that sounds entirely plausible.

It’s later, in the privacy of his bedroom, that he laughs until he cries at the mental picture of Jesus and his disciples walking through the countryside, all struggling under the weight of giant picnic baskets.

 

______________________________________________

 

Bill hits a stumbling block with the resurrection at first. He reads, and checks, but he can’t find anything to explain somebody coming back from the dead.

He’s chewing it over fruitlessly at the Uncles’ one day, muttering to himself as Stiles and Peter sit on the couch, curled up next to each other. Peter’s nuzzling at Stile’s throat and Stiles is rubbing his hands over Peter’s thighs affectionately.

They’re a little distracted, which probably explains what happens next.

“But imagine it, coming back from being dead! What must that be like?” Bill muses.

“It’s terrifying” says Stiles, at the same time Peter says “It’s deeply satisfying.”

Bill looks at them, and asks “What?”

They both pull up short, and shit, they haven’t ever told their young nephew this part of their history.

Stiles clears his throat “Well, I’ve never really been dead, just really close. It was scary.”

“Oh. OK then” Bill dismisses him.

And then turns his laser focus on Peter, and stares at him, waiting.

Peter sighs.

“Fine. I died, and I managed to come back. End of story”.

Bill’s mouth opens in an O of surprise.

He points with a shaking finger.

“You’re an Alpha wolf, Uncle Peter.”

Peter nods.

“You can heal people with your bite”.

Peter nods again.

“You have a beard and a pack”.

Peter shrugs.

“You came back from the dead.”

Bill stares at him, and Peter can see the wheels turning.

“Something on your mind, Baby Bill?” he finally asks.

Bill voice trembles a little as he voices his suspicions.

“Uncle Peter _, are you Jesus_?”

 

___________________________________________________

 

It’s an exceedingly contrite Peter and Stiles who explain to their nephew that sometimes, grownups tell stories for fun, and sometimes the stories get out of hand, and they’re very sorry, but they made Werewolf Jesus up.

He asks them “Did you do it to annoy Uncle Todd?”

“We did, Baby Bill, and we probably shouldn’t have” apologizes Peter.

Bill looks at them both, standing there with his Mom behind them with her arms folded and her scary face on, and nods. He understands how that goes, he tells them. He once told Sophi Blutac was made out of dead smurfs, and then he couldn’t take it back.

He tells them “The kids at school all believed it, too, about Jesus I mean, not Smurftac.”

He pauses, and adds “It was awesome. They believed anything I told them. To be honest, it was fun making shi- stuff up” he quickly amends, when he sees his mother looking at him.

Stiles narrows his eyes at him.

‘William Peter Mieczyslaw Forrest, have you known this was bullshit all along?”

“Werewolf Jesus fed the crowd through the magic of Jewish Moms” Bill intones seriously.

And then he grins widely at them, before starting to laugh uncontrollably.

Peter’s never been prouder of his favorite nephew.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It never occurs to them that the joke will grow legs and take off running.  
> I mean sure, there are those kids at school, but surely no sane adult would believe their crackpot theory, right?

Baby Bill’s exceptionally proud of himself for getting one over on his uncles.

Peter congratulates him on excellent work.

It never occurs to them that the joke will grow legs and take off running.

I mean sure, there are those kids at school, but surely no sane adult would believe their crackpot theory, right?

* * *

 

Todd’s girlfriend turns up on the doorstep about three weeks later.

She’s broken up with Todd, because as she explains, he has a bad attitude about Weres, and she can’t date someone who doesn’t respect the culture of our Lord and Savior.

Peter stares at her dumbfounded, and her eyes are bright with misplaced fervor when she explains to him that they were onto something, and she’s been doing research, and she’s decided they were right, and she’s started a webpage to spread the word.

She pulls up the page and shows him.

It’s had four million hits in a week.

Buzzfeed have picked it up.

 ** _Jesus Christ – True Alpha and Savior_** proclaims the page header.

Peter has to admit, her research is impeccable.

She hasn’t come up with the Jewish Mom theory, but other than that, her reasoning is remarkably similar to Bill’s.

She’s found little snippets of scripture that support her theory, if you only read certain words, and hold them up to the light just right.

Apparently “Eat my body and drink my blood” is in reference to giving the bite.

Peter thinks she’s confusing wolves and vampires.

There are artist's impressions of a transformed Jesus. Peter idly notes that he's still a whitewashed Jesus, but with pearly white fangs.

And people are commenting and adding their own theories, and although there are a fair number of comments calling Bullshit, there are three times as many from Good Christian Folk who are stunned that nobody’s realised this before.

Emma’s assertion at the top of the page that this information was personally told to her by a respected Pack Alpha is actually lending the whole thing some kind of weird credibility.  The general consensus seems to be that wolves have always known about this, and are only now telling humans.

Peter stares at the laptop and watches as the number of views grows by the minute.

Stiles has come up behind him, and Peter can feel him shaking with laughter as he buries his face in Peter’s shoulder.

Emma then tells Peter that the reason she’s here is because she’s having a meeting next week – “Not a service, exactly” and would like him to deliver the message to the congregation.

There will be three hundred people in attendance.

Stiles makes some sort of choked off sound, and has to leave the room.

Peter pretends to think about it.

In reality he’s internally rolling his eyes that this woman is on the same intellectual level as his ten year old nephew.

Either Bill’s extremely clever (entirely possible) or she’s an idiot (even more possible).

He thinks about telling her to take down the web page, about confessing that it was all a giant joke.

But she’s so damned convinced, and it’s making her happy, and he thinks about some of the other weird little offshoots of religion out there, and figures that this isn’t any worse than them, and it’s an outright improvement on some.

At least it doesn’t involve headscarves and having seventeen children.

Emma’s still waiting for his reply.

In the end he tells her that regretfully, he can’t speak about this publicly, he’s sure she understands, other wolves might not take kindly to him sharing what’s been a closely guarded secret of wolf culture so openly.

But he encourages her to continue in her research, and gives her a few scripture verses that she might have missed to help her along, asking only that he never be named as the source of her information in return.

She’s extremely happy to have new scriptures to add, and promises to keep them updated about the movement’s progress.

After she leaves, Stiles comes back from where he’s been hiding upstairs, and he’s laughing so hard he can’t even speak.

“Is she _actually_ starting a church for Werewolf Jesus?“ he manages, after a few minutes.

“Oh I don’t think she’s going that far, rabbit. I’m sure that in a few weeks it’ll all blow over when she realizes how ridiculous the whole concept is.”

Stiles is still laughing as he drags Peter upstairs to bed. As he says “I’ve laughed so hard I’m full of endorphins now, so it’ll be no effort for you to fuck me stupid.”

It isn’t, either.

* * *

 

The invitation to the opening of the Church of the Risen Lycanthrope is beautifully designed, they have to admit.

From the embossed gold printing to the logo, which is a picture of a crucifix with a giant claw mark overlaid, it certainly looks like it belongs to a legitimate religion, anyway.

Stiles is desperate to go, but Peter absolutely won’t allow it.

He is 100 percent adamant that they stay as far away from this mess as possible.

 

Alright fine, but they’re sitting at the back and they’re not staying for coffee afterwards.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And yes, we do watch Life of Brian every Easter in our house, and yes, we do all sing along.  
> I have the words as a tattoo on my forearm.


End file.
